I went to Shakespeare’s pub and I bought him a beer, but I replaced the beer with urine and he didn’t even notice or care.

At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I drove to the Jell-O factory and I pushed Bill Cosby into a vat of chocolate-vanilla swirl.

At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do.

When I arrived in Cantebury, I offered Chaucer maize and a turkey drumstick. He acted like I was the crazy one, so I decked him.

At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I went to Trader Joe’s and I stole a pirate’s wooden leg, and I sold it on craigslist for five dollars. The pirate tried to buy it back, but I had already sold it to a hipster from Bushwick.

At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I flew to the moon and punched Neil Armstrong in the face.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea.