Category: Found Humor

Baby, Come Back to Me

A friend posted this on facebook. He spotted this at the Lewis & Clark Law School.

Bonjour!

hattie

Here’s a close-up of the note.

It really tugs at my heartstrings. What can I say? I am a sucker for a white beret. oh la la

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Shoes Are Not Toys

Facebook apparently thinks this ad is relevant to my life. Baby shoes that are also unicorn my little ponies.

Unicorn Shoes

What Baby Do I Know Who Needs These?

I bet you anything Mr. MarsIAm doesn’t get baby bullshit ads on his facebook.

The House Finance Guy Game

The guy who helped us finance our home was a jackass. I would not recommend anybody ever work with him, ever. Once he’s got you by the metaphorical balls and time is ticking, it becomes a sliding scale as to whether you should cut and run vs sit it out. Having chosen the latter, we became accustomed to his bad behavior. Don’t like your finance guy? See how many points you can rack up using our system

  • Has a very small number (ideally three or fewer) jokes or puns that he uses every time you see him
    • bonus if they are not funny
    • double bonus if they are at your expense
  • Does not do anything unless you are on the phone with him
    • bonus if he does not answer the phone
    • double bonus when he finally does and he claims he was just about to call you
  • Loses things you recently gave to him
    • bonus if he thinks you never gave it to him
    • double bonus if he claims his desk/office/file is a “black hole”
  • Lacks insight into the processes which he, as a finance guy, is supposedly privy to
    • bonus if he blames the economy
    • double bonus if he harkens back to the good old days when it was easier
  • Considers himself charming while you consider him slimy
    • bonus if he reminds you of a used car salesmen
  • Bothers your in-laws
    • bonus if your MIL/FIL loses their temper with him
  • Can’t pronounce your last name
    • bonus if his secretary can’t either
  • Attempts to make insider references to your hometown
    • bonus if its a local bar
    • double bonus if that bar was super lame the last time you went
  • Asks to hear the story of how you met
    • bonus times each time he asks
  • Has a spouse and 4 offspring of a specific religion with a relatively small following
    • bonus every time he mentions them or the religion
    • double bonus if the kids are all the same gender

Rack em up!  What’s your score?

What Does Your Internet Search History Tell You?

Here’s my most recent searches. I appear to just between the work and personal affairs, and I also appear to have a short attention span for both.

  • miopithecus
  • student health
  • soccer ball forensics
  • linked in
  • duke lemur center
  • the land of painted caves
  • personal finance
  • new caledonian crows
  • chainsaws
  • Amazon parallels
  • total least squares

As capital one would ask, what’s in your search history?

How Do You Define Rich?

Many people define wealth in absolute numbers, or perhaps relative to wealthy people they know, or in terms of objects that they believe wealthy people would own, or in terms of the perceived lifestyle of the wealthy.

My definition of wealthy is this, which I attribute to not having met any wealthy people at the age when I formulated this idea.

It's A Duck World

Scrooge McDuck

What’s your definition of “rolling in dough?”

My Business is the Business of Businesses

After responding to an e-vite today, I got a pop-up offering me 250 free business cards or alternative cards.

The first alternative card is a registration card, which I believe you would use in the case of a baby or wedding shower to inform guests where they can buy you the presents you actually want instead of them going ahead with their own ideas and buying you some $100 salt and pepper shakers. So, as a person who had a registry, sure, I approve .

The second alternative card was, um, less straightforward.

Stand-up guy?

Ladies!

So I guess that the situation is that you go on a lot of dates, and if you really like your date you give them your info so they can tweet you later about future dates?  Or maybe they will sext you, but my point is that I get it, I guess.

The third one I felt like was pretty much the weirdest.

My identity revolves around having given birth

Oh god

Maybe this is a feminist thing, or maybe it’s because I’m not a mother, but even if I was a stay-at-home mom with no job (and therefore no reason to already have business cards) I wouldn’t extoll my ability to wipe snotty noses and read bedtime stories as a core part of my persona. As if your main accomplishment is childbirth, and you would like to commemorate your skills with a card detailing your contact info after the names of your offspring. To provide to other moms when you need to carpool, or if they want your ants on a log recipe.

What happened to carrying around a pen and using a receipt?

Most Wanted

Today via Kristin Schaal, I found this hilarious video, in which we learn how to paint an item based on popular ebay search words.

Lily Sparks, on Thomas Kinkaid

To me, he looks like a little man who should be on a pizza box, trying to sell me a pepperoni pie

On Michelangelo

…don’t tell me there’s a world of difference between me and Michelangelo, because as far as I can tell our paths are identical.

Conceptually (not in execution) it reminds me of America’s Most Wanted Painting, created by Komar and Melmaid

dishwasher size

Pretty much, I need these paintings in my house