Surprise!

A few months ago, my roommate (let’s call him Steve)’s girlfriend (let’s call her Jill) planned a surprise party for him. I was more than happy to provide our mutual friends’ contact information, so they could all be in on fun.  Jill sent out what many would consider to be a fairly run-of-the-mill invitation, as well as an ordinary, friendly reminder the day of the big surprise.  So far, so good.

Then the replies began.

Here’s the first one.

from: Jills.friend@incontinent,
to: jill@whatever,
cc: my.classmates@nyu,
cc: have.never@met.these guys
Plan on being there to stand in the corner and pee on things. Like all of your beers. Bringing work ladies with me possibly!!
Pee ya later!

All right, a little strange, yes, but nothing to get worked up about. I do make a mental note to get an extra coaster to cover my beer, just in case.

If it had stopped there, nobody would have even noticed.

from: jills.friend@deargod
reply-all
dear people from NYU getting your degree in business/jewish:  come!  i promise this place is just as lame as any of the doucheholes you will-leeches and trust fund goblins hang out at, AND its typically overrun with neckless, tanless law students wearing dockers! Therein lies an opportunity to drum up conversation regarding how to sue me for calling you all jews!

see ya there!  lol poke omg !!!11!!!
ps, if you dance on the bar, the russian sex trade hostages in cowgirl suits give you a free shot of something that you will probably drink regardless of how disgusting it is because you are in college! AND!!! You can stand on the bar for as long as you wish without worry that doing so will make you any less jewish than you already are!

Just for fun, I’d like to point out that the following things

  • I have no idea who this is, aside from assuming it is Jill’s friend
  • Most of my friends study Anthropology, which is pretty much not business at all
  • The only one of my friends who is Jewish is Steve
  • None of my friends have RSVP’d yet

Apparently, Jill stepped in and said something.  Jills.friend@deargod (aka Bree) responds

I’d like to apologize if i’ve offended anyone, i just finished reading the Christian Coalition’s recent e-blast and i am being forced to admit that i am easily influenced by anything assuming the role of authority.
please don’t view my bigotry and awesomeness as a reflection of [JILL]’s character, i assure you all that she is nowhere near as bigotrous OR awesome as i.  She’ll simply be nice to anyone.
especially really hot aryans.

I must say it’s not really a REAL apology, but it at least acknowledges it has crossed some sort of line that exists when mass emailing strangers.

Does it end here?  You wish.  We hear from Pee Pants again at this point.

[BREE]
You are so fucking bad! If you keep talking filthy about them nice jewish boys I will be forced to throw you over my knee and wallop you to tears. I will chastise the fuck out of you. With every inch of willpower in me I will lash, leather, lick and whip you into a decent respectable woman I swear to god.
maybe even tonight in front of witnesses.

Not one single mutual friend came to the party.  Not ONE. The bar was a White Trash Bar with blaring country music.  What’s worse than that?  A White Trash Bar with SKIPPING blaring country music.

Pee pants and Bree made out next to the Ms. Pac Man the whole time.

Out of obligation to my roommate, I stayed thirty minutes.

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