Wedding Toast Pitfalls to Avoid

  1. Keep it under five minutes by eliminating lengthy back-story
  2. What I really love about MarsIAm is how she has always been a great friend. In the first grade, our teacher Mrs. Boyle… was it Mrs. Boyle? The one with the yellow Oldsmobile? That was Mrs. Burke. She always wore the cardigan with the apple? Yes, that’s her. Where was I going with this?  Oh yes, we had a spelling test, and we were out of number two pencils, because the district had very particular rules for re-ordering school supplies…

  3. Simple rule: too drunk to stand, too drunk to toast.
  4. Dangerous topics: politics, money, lies, prison, rashes, poop, and youtube.
  5. Do not stray too far into the realm of irrelevant, such as stock figures, Barack Obama, etc
  6. If you missed your window of opportunity during the ceremony, it is now officially too late to voice your objections to the union.
  7. Invoking the prerogative of prima noctis, accidentally or otherwise
  8. Personal regrets are for a more private setting, such as while you are barfing in your motel bathroom or a heart to heart with the bride’s great uncle
  9. Keep the sexy double entendre to yourself, Shakespeare.
  10. Criticism of tacky centerpieces or puce bridesmaid dresses is for a different time and place.
  11. As my dad says, watch those F-bombs

UPDATE:  The Knot steals my idea.  I am such a trendsetter.


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