Top ten ways to turn down potential vendors for your wedding
- (to the florist) It appears that the inspiration for this bouquet was “condemned gas station foliage.”
- (to the dressmaker) I’ve decided to exclude vomit and bile tones from my color palate.
- (to the cake baker) Is it my deep-seated belief that I do not need a dessert made in my image.
- (to the caterer) A family of goats would have significant doubts about this buffet.
- (to the jeweler) This would be perfect if I were a ninety-year-old steel heiress designing an elaborate brooch.
- (to the limo service) Ding ding! Here comes the shit-mobile.
- (to the hotel) I’ve seen brothels with more stringent standards of cleanliness.
- (to the photographer) We decided that ‘Jackson Pollack’s No. 5‘ is not the visual inspiration we were seeking for our wedding album
- (to the bartender) At no point in time did I request urine as a component for this so-called “signature cocktail”
- (to the venue) “I wouldn’t hold a same-sex commitment ceremony for my parakeets at this dump.”