Nevermind the Bride, here comes the Rejection

Top ten ways to turn down potential vendors for your wedding

  1. (to the florist) It appears that the inspiration for this bouquet was “condemned gas station foliage.”
  2. (to the dressmaker) I’ve decided to exclude vomit and bile tones from my color palate.
  3. (to the cake baker) Is it my deep-seated belief that I do not need a dessert made in my image.
  4. (to the caterer) A family of goats would have significant doubts about this buffet.
  5. (to the jeweler) This would be perfect if I were a ninety-year-old steel heiress designing an elaborate brooch.
  6. (to the limo service) Ding ding! Here comes the shit-mobile.
  7. (to the hotel) I’ve seen brothels with more stringent standards of cleanliness.
  8. (to the photographer) We decided that ‘Jackson Pollack’s No. 5‘ is not the visual inspiration we were seeking for our wedding album
  9. (to the bartender) At no point in time did I request urine as a component for this so-called signature cocktail”
  10. (to the venue) “I wouldn’t hold a same-sex commitment ceremony for my parakeets at this dump.”
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