With a very merry festivus just past, many of us are still reeling from the awkward lines of conversation that, inevitably, arise over a family dinner. I have compiled a list of such statements, with graceful transitions to safer topics.
When are you gonna get yourself a man?
Did you see the Project Runway marathon?
I’m not going to live long enough to see my grandchildren.
Did you hear about the cat that rides the bus?
I have a rash, will you take a look at it?
I heard they are putting in a Trader Joe’s near you!
My mother never let me live on my own. She said “Only whores live alone, nice girls live at home til they get married.”
The cherry trees in front of my apartment are blooming.
[tone-deaf uncle offers to play guitar and sing]
Mom, you said that you have a new project at work?
Are you wearing that?
Thank you! Please excuse me [lock self in bathroom for rest of night]