Things that I mutter or imagine to myself, instead of screaming them like I do in my imagination.

  1. [answering the phone] What? Whaaat? WHAAT? WHAT DO YOU WAAAANT?[hang up]
  2. Watch out! I am going to strike you with my vehicle.
  3. Can you read the SIGNS on the WINDOW? Return your keys NEXT DOOR! Oh, you didn’t SEE IT? I recommend not being on your cell phone when you are trying to run errands!
  4. I know you’re doing your job, but can you not use the leafblower right outside my window for 20 minutes, kthanksbye
  5. Whose dick do I have to suck to get any work done around here…
  6. For the last time, I am not sacrificing my left arm for this job.
  7. Okay, that’s it, I’ll burn down the building.
  8. [jerky karate moves, a la The Big Lebowski, against visitors to my office] I fuck you! I fuck you! I fuck you!
  9. Even though I don’t know you, sure you can keep your cooler full of god knows what under the couch in my office. No, don’t even bother saying hello or asking me if I mind… just say you’re putting it there and leave… that’s fine
  10. Oh, you’re firing me for my foul mouth? Well, guess what? The money doesn’t mean as much to me as the opportunity to recommend you go FUCK YOURSELF!

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