And In The End

Closing a date without your special someone closing the door in your face

  1. When you wake-up after a night of heavy drinking, finding a partially clothed someone in your bed (OR – finding yourself partially clothed in their bed) may be disorienting and frightening. Don’t panic. Assess the situation. Take a moment to collect your hazy drunken memory of the night before. When the person awakens, refrain from doing a good-cop-bad-cop interrogation. Ask casual questions, such as “So, do you remember what happened?” or “Hey, how about those Dolphins?”
  2. Forgetting her name? Look around the room for hints. For inexplicable reasons, a girl can feel some sort of compulsion to own items with her name on it. Look for a necklace on the nightstand, stationary on her desk, or a picture frame on the dresser. Remember: Heart is a name, but not always.
  3. Been here before? Been with this person before? Do not acknowledge that this has happened before. Play dumb. Then get the hell out.
  4. My favorite excuse? Claim to be picking up Jamba Juices for breakfast. Don’t forget to ask what flavor he wants.
  5. A sure and fast way to blow it with your date is to blow your unbrushed breath in his face. I carry a surgical mask in my cleavage to prevent such a fiasco. Also, it embodies a sense of mystery that will leave him wanting more.
  6. Were you so drunk that you passed out before things got hot and heavy? Were they more like … heavy and asleep? A simple apology is all that’s needed; don’t feel obligated to hook-up unless you really want to. Then, be my guest.
  7. Perhaps you didn’t sleep well. Perhaps this is because she fell asleep on your arm, or because he hogged all the blankets, or somebody (hint: not you) takes up the whole mattress and you fell out of bed. Twice. Don’t let your crankiness get the best of you. “Wow, didn’t get a wink,” you say, yawning. “Guess we had a great time! Gotta go home and catch up on sleep.” Then waltz out in a daze.
  8. If you discover that your make up has migrated all over your face, and you now must appear like a Picasso on LSD or a melting Pollack, remain calm. Blot, don’t wipe, your face on the inside of your shirt to make the best of the situation. Better yet, use the pillow. It’s dirty anyways.
  9. Realize that maybe Mr. Oh So Hot last night is now oh so… boring? Strange-looking? Downright creepy? Admit that, unfortunately, you’re realized the error of your ways and you want to win back the love of your life. From the third grade. You don’t know where he is, or what he is doing, but you know in your heart it is right. It came to you in a dream. No harm, no foul. Peace out.
  10. If all else fails, just remember, it’s your own fault. Fornicator.
  11. Tags: making out, morning after, regrets, awkward


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