To Do: Get Famoused

Here’s a few reasons why I think it would be great to be a rich celebrity

  1. Famous people don’t get evil glares from their bosses when they leave work early because UPS requires a signature for packages and won’t leave them at the door, so they have to go to the UPS location, in a completely different city both from where they live and where they work mind you, and they have to get there before they close which is half an hour before quittin time. Famous people can have someone sign for the package for them. Also, famous people don’t have glaring bosses.
  2. Famous people get their film developed faster, both because the photomat guy wants to see if there are any naked pictures and also because they are hoping for a big tip and return service. Famous people’s film doesn’t accidentally get exposed and ruined by the least competent person on the planet, after the famous person has waited 5 days for it when the sign clearly says 24 Hour Foto. Also, famous people have digital cameras.
  3. Famous people get free stuff all the time, like make-up and handbags and clothes, because the manufacturers want ordinary people to run out and buy them so they can look famous too. Ironically, famous people are the least needy of people who desire freebees.

Here’s why it would be great to be a brilliant academic

  1. Brilliant academics get mentioned all the time – in textbooks, in the news, in sarcastic comments (Good move, Einstein). You don’t have to go to the Cheers bar – everybody knows your name everywhere you go
  2. You probably know enough that you dont have to consult the internet for pop-rocks-and-Pepsi-type-myth-debunking, and that really saves you a lot of time.
  3. Academics don’t propositioned at the train station by shorter than 5 feet fall men of undefined race who don’t speak English well. They ride their bicycles or drive a Golf. They also get hot young co-eds tryna get into their pants all the time.

Here’s why it would be awesome to be a folk legend

  1. Everything you do gets blown into huge proportions. Get the copy machine to use legal sized paper? You did it blindfolded, with one foot, in the mountains while it was snowing. Bring somebody back flowers? You pulled up the entire Garden State and hauled it across the country on the back of your Big Blue Ox just to show your lady that she is special. It makes you feel accomplished.
  2. Folk Legends don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn so that a cheap stinky shuttle will take them on the most circuitous route to the airport, where they will have to go through the scanner 8 or 9 times to discover the buttons on their jean jacket is setting off the metal detector. Folk Legends wear flannel and burlap sacks.
  3. Folk Legends work out independently. Folk Legends don’t have to go to a mandatory session with a gym sales representative telling him an obiously false story about how getting bitten by lions inspired him to work at the gym. Also, people don’t lie to Folk Legends.

I only wrote nine ideas but I’ll call it a day.


One comment

  1. The Good Reverend

    Somebody once said that the best kind of famous is author famous, because you’re famous enough to get good seats at a restaurant, but not famous enough to get interrupted when eating there.

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