It’s Not You, It’s Me

Along the lines of my previous post, worst break-up excuses.

  1. When I envision our lives together, it makes me feel suffocated. I realize that I’m the one putting the plastic bag over my head, not you. But still, I think I need some space.
  2. Look, if we aren’t married when we’re 45, let’s get married… to lobsters. You know, sort of a f*** you to the institution of marriage.
  3. I’m hella gay.
  4. I’m not saying we should split. I’m just looking for a change of pace, taking a break from work, meet some new people, especially women people, and maybe move with one of them for a while. But that’s not final or anything… it’s just an idea.
  5. I think that you’re too smart for me. Look, I made a some graphs and two-way analyses. And this Dadaist painting. A playlist of post-British invasion rock. You see what I mean? Of course you do.
  6. When you told me that you and your sister share everything… well, I got the wrong idea. I got confused. It could happen to anyone.
  7. You’ve changed. You used to read books about flower arrangements, now you only read about the species. You used to look at me longingly, now you look at me lovingly. What happened to that red dress? It’s at the cleaners. You see where this is going. You’re not the woman I fell in love with – you’ve become unrecognizable to me.
  8. I’ve found my calling. I want to study life forms in Antarctica. No, I didn’t get this idea from March of the Penguins. I want to learn about life in negative zero environment, cut off from the world, without phone, internet, television, or human contact. I’ll come back for you when I think you’re ready for this too.
  9. I have an addiction to press N seal envelopes. I’m going away, to a clinic, to get professional help. I’m going to beat this thing, I don’t care how long it takes. Visiting hours are on alternating Wednesdays between 3 and 5 am. I’ll see you.
  10. I’m afraid of your penis.

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