Martian Advice For Crazies

Dear Mars, I work for a law firm, and my job right now is to write reports summarizing the big cases that our firm has won and lost over the last ten years. My problem is that whenever I turn in a report, my boss tells me I’m doing it wrong — BUT HIS ADVICE CONTRADICTS ITSELF ALL THE FRIKKIN TIME AND I’M GOING CRAZY For example, the first time, I started the report by stating the outcome of the case, and he told me that was inappropriate… that the outcome should come at the end. So next time, I put the outcome at the end. BUT THEN HE TOLD ME IT WAS INAPROPOROIATE AGIAN I even said to him, “Umm sir, I could be mistaken, but I thought you said last time that the outcome should always come at the end of the report.” And he was like, “No, there’s no way I said that. Please listen more carefully next time.” WELL WHAT IF I THINK YOOU SHOULD LISTEN MORE CREFULLY YOU BLOWJOB I SHOUD BE THE BOOS AROUND HERE GODDMAMIT I’m sorry, it’s affecting my concentration… I just don’t know how to format my work, since I know whatever I do, he’ll just tell me it’s wrong. This has been happening all month, and I am considering bringing a bazooka to work to put an end to this awful freak show. MARS CAN YOU HELP ME??? Sincerely, Mad and Crazy

Dear MAC,
First of all, let’s all remember to use the spell check.
If your email implies that you should be The Boozer, not The Boss as I may have misinterpreted, allow me to advise you that violent alcoholic rages are rarely a lasting solution.
Secondly, I would like to remind you of my previous posting from June – it outlines a lot of pitfalls to avoid. Ensure you understand the scope and content of the project; ask around. “Is this a regular freak show we run here, or do we bring something special to this type of entertainment?” would be a good way to do this.
If you are provided the opportunity, make a lunch date with your boss. I’d advise you to be respectful but not too chummy – take responsibility and tell him “I apologize for my mistakes, Mister Blowjob.” Repeat back what your boss advises, and write it down immediately for future reference.

Best of luck

PS Allow me to clarify one other point: Martians are not currently endorsing any brand of chewing gum, bazooka or otherwise. Offers can be mailed to the address below.

Questions? Problems? You thought this component had died? Email me your queries at em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at yahoo dot com, or leave one in the comments.

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