How To Survive a First Date

In honor of the Bang… reliable tips to keep a romantic encounter from getting too weird.

  1. A good way to start the evening off right is to introduce your date to your parents. This way, you can count on your parents to quickly identify all your date’s shortcomings, so you have a head start on getting to know each other.
  2. See the movie first, then have dinner. That way at dinner you can talk about rotted-flesh zombies instead of trying to figure out what you have in common
  3. Instead of a traditional date, do a fun interactive activity that you will both enjoy, like dumpster diving. Note: this is not the occasion to wear your gold spike heels
  4. Smile, nod, throw in a couple of “yeahs” or “uh huhs.”
  5. If the conversation trails off, pretend that you are from E! and are interviewing your favorite musician about their life. Ask your date when the band is releasing their next album.
  6. Impress your date with your prowess by flirting with everyone withing a 5 yard radius at all times
  7. When the check comes, arm wrestle to determine who pays and who gets a free ride.
  8. Remember: just because your date paid, doesn’t mean you owe them anything (besides oral sex).
  9. If your date tries to initiate contact before you’re ready, scream “No means no!” Do not apologize.
  10. When in doubt, ask yourself, what would L. Ron Hubbard do?


  1. Kel The Younger

    Grace! Where have you been???

    1. If parents are unavailable, just ask your good friends, e.g. Kel!
    2. Even better, obligatory blow job first! Then you’re guaranteed to have something in common, e.g. bodily fluids!
    3. Definitely do dumpster diving after dinner.
    4. Don’t forget my ex-roomie’s favorite: “Wow!”
    5. And of course ask if their lead singer finally got help in drug rehab.
    6. Flirt even if people in said radius are of same gender as you – that’ll get ’em!
    7. Don’t tell your date about this ritual. Just grab their arm and yell, “Go!”
    8. LOL – this is a good one. And make this clear up front, before you even go anywhere! “If you pay my way, I’ll go down on you – but that’s it!”
    9. If date questions your reaction, pull out CASA flyer and explain why your “special places” are off limit.
    10. Or, ask your date what L. Ron Hubbard would do…

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