Martian Quest for Truth… and Babies

Where do baby storks come from?

-Bemused in Boise

Gentle BB,

Your question is perfectly timed for this week’s discussion. Recently, it has come to light that Nature may have suppressed this vital academic information from the public eye.

It is rumoured that Nature has rejected without review a study showing that
storks bring babies into the world. -Letters to the Editor, Solidarity…

If we continue to stifle such vital academic studies, what, pray tell, will we be able to tell our children? Wikipedia acknowledges that in Western culture the White Stork is a symbol of childbirth. Symbol? Perhaps they refer to the “Vlasic” brand mascot of a child-bearing stork.

Based on this information, I have drawn a series of conclusions

  1. Storks bring our babies
  2. They don’t want you to know!
  3. Despite the scientific community’s rash outbursts against the pursuit of knowledge, Vlasic supplies our ignorant public with its propogandic “mascot” representing TRUTH
  4. Science today is in direct conflict with a leading brand of pickles
  5. As babies are born pure, they are inherently a font of truth. However, as biological beings they also are a fascinating aspect of science. Baby storks are the intersection of the Ven Diagram of Stork Truth and Science
  6. To protect baby storks from being poked and prodded with scientific machinery, they are cleverly disguised.
  7. As what, you might ask? Pickles

Where do baby storks come from? Ask Vlasic; they’re the ones putting them into jars and distributing them nationwide. But at the very least this will stop your children cold from not only eating pickles but drinking the brine – stork urine.

Mars is available to advise you on your high ideals, personal problems, telecommuter troubles, burning questions and urethras. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at



  1. Kel The Younger

    Dear M,

    Fascinating link you wrote about in your last column! I mean, we *all* know what pickles themselves represent, so the relation between them and reproductive capability is quite…oh wait…I’m thinking of cucumbers. But aren’t pickles just processed cucumbers? Then what are storks before they’re processed? Tyrannosaurus stem cells?

    – Confused in AZ

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