Martian Advice For Eggs

Okay so it takes like seven minutes to boil an egg. But what happens if I leave it in there, boiling, for ten minutes? Fifteen? Three hours?I assume I get more eggs somehow.
-Hungry in Harrisburg

Gentle HH,

First have all, have we confronted this problem? Good

The answer to your question is yes, but it’s not simple. What would happen if you just let it boil and boil?

  1. In all likelihood, the egg would explode. Is this “more” eggs? It might look like more eggs, but it’s probably just “more” boiling hot eggs splattered on your face than you would perfer under normal circumstances.
  2. Regardless, you go to the hospital for second degree burns (not the first time your maxillofacial region has experienced this) and you are treated by a doctor on the verge of insanity. He mistakes the exploded egg for nuclear waste and panics.
  3. The CDC, NIH, and NRA are notified.
  4. We go into orange alert. Then red alert. People are totally wigging out.
  5. GWB decides that good foreign policy to calm the people would be to create an enemy – an enemy well known but easier to locate. That’s right – Pope Benedict XVI. He is blamed for the Catholic values that allow nuclear waste to propigate.
  6. The Vatican is nuked. With no one to tell them up from down, Catholics worldwide start making decisions for themselves. These decisions involve having lots of sex.
  7. Women start ovulating everywhere… ergo more eggs.

Seven minutes to a boiled egg – seven steps to more eggs. Coincidence? You tell me.

I hope this answers your questions.

Mars is available to advise you on your hopes, dreams, fears, niggling self doubt and culinary inquiries. Comment to this column with a request, or write to em oh dee ee ee em ay see eye ay ess at


  1. Kel The Younger

    Dear M,

    As Chief Science Advisor to the Martian Advice column (what else can one do with this stupid degree? Huh Grace? Huh!?), I wanted to submit a few brief corrections:

    On 4, I think the ordering is a bit off. It goes orange, then red, then quickly back down to magenta, and then suddenly shoots back up to *really* red when someone mistakes the egg carton you brought (to insure an accurate diagnosis) as a “suspicious package.”

    On 5, I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced “nucular.” That’s how I’ve heard it in press conferences anyway.

    On 6, the Vatican would never be “nuked.” We would “engage in active defense of our homeland to prevent future terrerrist attacks and reform sushal sekrty.”

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