MarsIAm

Agriculture, food and the environment

Mars — Sun, 29 May 2011 03:16:24 +0000

is a Google translation of the subject line of an Italian email I received. The body roughly translated to:

Ciao [MarsIAm],
maybe these things happen to me sometimes.
Yours sincerely,
Angelika

Angelika: they happen to me all the time.

Shoes Are Not Toys

Mars — Sun, 08 May 2011 16:29:49 +0000

Facebook apparently thinks this ad is relevant to my life. Baby shoes that are also unicorn my little ponies.

What Baby Do I Know Who Needs These?

I bet you anything Mr. MarsIAm doesn’t get baby bullshit ads on his facebook.

The House Finance Guy Game

Mars — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 20:19:32 +0000

The guy who helped us finance our home was a jackass. I would not recommend anybody ever work with him, ever. Once he’s got you by the metaphorical balls and time is ticking, it becomes a sliding scale as to whether you should cut and run vs sit it out. Having chosen the latter, we became accustomed to his bad behavior. Don’t like your finance guy? See how many points you can rack up using our system

Has a very small number (ideally three or fewer) jokes or puns that he uses every time you see him

bonus if they are not funny
double bonus if they are at your expense

Does not do anything unless you are on the phone with him

bonus if he does not answer the phone
double bonus when he finally does and he claims he was just about to call you

Loses things you recently gave to him

bonus if he thinks you never gave it to him
double bonus if he claims his desk/office/file is a “black hole”

Lacks insight into the processes which he, as a finance guy, is supposedly privy to

bonus if he blames the economy
double bonus if he harkens back to the good old days when it was easier

Considers himself charming while you consider him slimy

bonus if he reminds you of a used car salesmen

Bothers your in-laws

bonus if your MIL/FIL loses their temper with him

Can’t pronounce your last name

bonus if his secretary can’t either

Attempts to make insider references to your hometown

bonus if its a local bar
double bonus if that bar was super lame the last time you went

Asks to hear the story of how you met

bonus times each time he asks

Has a spouse and 4 offspring of a specific religion with a relatively small following

bonus every time he mentions them or the religion
double bonus if the kids are all the same gender

Rack em up! What’s your score?

What Does Your Internet Search History Tell You?

Mars — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 23:02:53 +0000

Here’s my most recent searches. I appear to just between the work and personal affairs, and I also appear to have a short attention span for both.

miopithecus
student health
soccer ball forensics
linked in
duke lemur center
the land of painted caves
personal finance
new caledonian crows
chainsaws
Amazon parallels
total least squares

As capital one would ask, what’s in your search history?

How Do You Define Rich?

Mars — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 16:22:38 +0000

Many people define wealth in absolute numbers, or perhaps relative to wealthy people they know, or in terms of objects that they believe wealthy people would own, or in terms of the perceived lifestyle of the wealthy.

My definition of wealthy is this, which I attribute to not having met any wealthy people at the age when I formulated this idea.

Scrooge McDuck

What’s your definition of “rolling in dough?”

Oh this broken heart

Mars — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 03:40:44 +0000

In honor of Valentine’s day, and as a tribute to Sound Opinions, I am creating my own list of sad love songs. I am stealing one of their best, but I have room on my list for more. Suggestions?

Ain’t No Sunshine – Bill Withers
I Don’t Know Why – Stevie Wonder
Eleanor Rigby – Beatles
Nineteen – Old 97s
Lonely Teardrops – Jackie Wilson
Great Pretender – Silver Platters
Iowa – Dar Williams
Pink Triangle – Weezer
Last Kiss – J. Frank

The title is the mix name.

My Business is the Business of Businesses

Mars — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 16:39:14 +0000

After responding to an e-vite today, I got a pop-up offering me 250 free business cards or alternative cards.

The first alternative card is a registration card, which I believe you would use in the case of a baby or wedding shower to inform guests where they can buy you the presents you actually want instead of them going ahead with their own ideas and buying you some $100 salt and pepper shakers. So, as a person who had a registry, sure, I approve .

The second alternative card was, um, less straightforward.

Ladies!

So I guess that the situation is that you go on a lot of dates, and if you really like your date you give them your info so they can tweet you later about future dates? Or maybe they will sext you, but my point is that I get it, I guess.

The third one I felt like was pretty much the weirdest.

Oh god

Maybe this is a feminist thing, or maybe it’s because I’m not a mother, but even if I was a stay-at-home mom with no job (and therefore no reason to already have business cards) I wouldn’t extoll my ability to wipe snotty noses and read bedtime stories as a core part of my persona. As if your main accomplishment is childbirth, and you would like to commemorate your skills with a card detailing your contact info after the names of your offspring. To provide to other moms when you need to carpool, or if they want your ants on a log recipe.

What happened to carrying around a pen and using a receipt?

How are we feeling, Missouri?

Mars — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 04:58:06 +0000

Today, I somehow wound up on a mailing list of a group of friends, likely from Kansas City.

First I received this email:

from Kristin
to Caitlin, Michelle , Allie , Heidi , Alyssa , MarsIAm [emphasis mine], Katie, Alicia, Erin
date Thu, Nov 18, 2010
subject Puppy!!!
Hi all!!… There is a new member of the Dolan family! A puppy!! He is a 10 week old maltipoo (maltese/poodle) that we got from a family in Greenwood, Missouri. His name is Bennett and we live him!
Kristin

Attached was a damn cute photo of Bennett.

Bennett the maltipoo

A few hours later, I got an email from Kathryn (who I know by the bleeped out last name is also Katie from above)

Hi Ladies!!

Hope everyone is ready to celebrate Saturday night with me!! Just let me know if you guys are going to make it to the Cheesecake Factory so I can call ahead so we don’t have to wait!!! I can’t wait to see all of you!! And don’t forget to bring your boys too!! It is going to be so much fun!!

Katie

So, I got emailed a cute dog photo and I’m invited out to dinner to the Kansas City Cheesecake Factory. All in all, a good day. All by impersonating others.

Most Wanted

Mars — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 20:25:59 +0000

Today via Kristin Schaal, I found this hilarious video, in which we learn how to paint an item based on popular ebay search words.

Lily Sparks, on Thomas Kinkaid

To me, he looks like a little man who should be on a pizza box, trying to sell me a pepperoni pie

On Michelangelo

…don’t tell me there’s a world of difference between me and Michelangelo, because as far as I can tell our paths are identical.

Conceptually (not in execution) it reminds me of America’s Most Wanted Painting, created by Komar and Melmaid

Pretty much, I need these paintings in my house

A Softer Thought

Mars — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:17:35 +0000

Extensive reading of A Softer World has lead my brain to compose its thoughts into chunks of two or three.

No amount of make-up can change
that you are beautiful on the inside
Please stop eating my lipstick

I might be stronger than I thought
but maybe it’s the beer that is stronger than I thought
I’m sorry about your car

I haven’t been totally honest with you
in my defense
I did not think you would ever see the original police report

my cat is happiest sitting inside an old box
I wanted you to see for yourself
Please open immediately